Michelle Obama vs Melania Trump

My fellow Americans.

Four score and seven years ago — well, truthfully, on Monday night — I stood before this nation to give a speech I was nervous to give, and in the blaze of those TV lights, in the maniacal warmth of those delegates, under the cold distant eye of all those Democrats eager for me to fail, I knew one thing for sure:

The only thing I had to fear was fear itself.

I would do this, though. Even though I am shy, and English is not my native language, I, Melania Trump, could and would do what needed to be done.

I would stand up and talk about whatever blah blah my husband wanted me to. I would wear a fabulous dress and walk proudly, and why not?

Michelle Obama proudly wears fabulous dresses that show off her body. Why is it OK to mock me for looking good but praise her? Why is it OK to treat me as a Barbie doll and treat her as Wonder Woman? I smell some feminist double talk, sisters.

But I digress.

I agreed to stand up on that stage, despite my fears, because my motto ever since I married this control freak who uses me as a prop has always been:

Ask not what my husband can do for me but what I can do for my husband.

And, honestly, he’s done a lot for me too. Every marriage is a pact with the devil, and this is my part of the deal. You feel me, Hillary?

Now we are engaged in a great civil war over whether parts of my convention speech bore striking similarities to a speech by Michelle Obama at the 2008 Democratic convention.

Oh, wait. I should say that with quotes, “bore striking similarities to a speech by Michelle Obama at the 2008 Democratic convention.”

Don’t want to be accused of stealing from The New York Times now, do I? Nothing excites the media and the masses more than a plagiarism scandal. So much easier to get exercised over a few pilfered phrases than to solve unemployment.

And if my speech did sound a little too much like Michelle’s, it’s not the equivalent of bombing Iraq, you know? I’m not running for president. I’m not running for anything. I’ve been swept into this presidential storm on the tides of history.

Yeah, yeah, I’m sure someone else has said “the tides of history” before but, if I understand plagiarism right, it’s OK to steal a phrase if a bunch of people have already stolen it. That’s called a cliche. Or wisdom.

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